This is a journal entry I wrote while in the midst of letting anger and despair in. Letting them do a complete 360, fuck up my house, and ransack my pantry. While I watched and observed them yearning for the day I'd finally let them free.Ā
7/14/24
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Iām so damn tired of acting ānormalā.
What in the living fuck even is normal?!? Some box we made up to punish outliers to cast out those who were different?
In my world, to be normal is to pretend not to have a panic attack after I find out that thereās NO houses for us to move into AND we have to move
WTF am I supposedĀ to do withĀ that??
How am I supposed to respond to the news that I might be homeless, potentially striped of everything?
Well that answer is easy, Im supposed to act normalĀ
After my landlord sends us a letter detailing that he wonāt be renewing our lease. Donāt cry, figure out a plan- Act normal
After my mom tells me sheās getting garnished and her checks are gonna be lower than usual. Donāt freak out, breathe- Act normalĀ
After being hopeful in a hopeless situation. Donāt scream, hold it together in
Iām all good.Ā
Iām all fine.
Iām normal.
Yesterday, a man came to my house and told me a biblical story. In this story, Jesus and his disciples are in a small boat when a whirlwind of waves comes crashing down. The disciples are freaking out āWhat do we do?ā, āAre we gonna die?ā. Meanwhile, Jesus is sleeping in the back of the boat, the disciples go to wake him terrified of the what could happen and you know what, this man, Jesus does?Ā
He stands up and says to the waves āBe quietā (as if capitalism would make it that easy). The waves obey and they settle. Then he turns to the disciples (this is the important part) and says y'all some cowards. Now, while I don't think you can wish your problems away as Jesus did.Ā
I do think there's some wisdom in the way Jesus approached the situation. He addressed the waves, acknowledged the fact that there was a problem, and tackled it head-on. He didnāt pretend to act normal as if the storm wasnāt threatening their livelihood. He went through the problem, not around, over, or under it.Ā
So when he referred to the disciples as being cowards, I took that as if we wanna continue to believe in the lies of normalcy. Then we I am in fact a coward who refuses to acknowledge my own fears for the sake of comfort.Ā
The heartsucking truth is there is no going āback to normalā because things were NEVER fucking normal
We were just so used to ignoring and pretending like they were, it was a mask filled with insidious coping mechanisms that became the foundation of living- Masking the ugly until 2020 blew the lid off that shit
And we all saw just how gruesome and grimmy things truly were
Collectively, we could no longer escape the chaos in society as it became increasinglyĀ
LOUD and UNAVOIDABLE
We had no other choice but to look the darkness of society dead in the eyeĀ Ā šļøšļø
āList of things that arenāt normal and never will be:Ā
The price tag on our existenceĀ
Working until the meat falls off your bones
Playing where's waldo in grocery stores to find the food thatās not a lab experiment
The few having power over the manyĀ
The remnants of warĀ
Tryna keep my head on straight, but depression is right misery loves company
The fact that I could keep going is a thing in itself
Normalcy feels like trying to piece broken glass back together with glue
it'll never work.Ā
Life nowadays is an ongoing call for help except,Ā
the line keeps ringing,Ā
You donāt know if someone will answer
Pick up on the cracks in ur tone
Or decide to send you to voicemailĀ
Itās not normalĀ
The separation. šŖ Isolation. š§š¾āāļø Wondering if Go(o)d exists.Ā š£
Itās all a shallow sigh of distraction to keep my godawful screams at bay
Iām starting to think normal is a termĀ
People use to protect their own sanityĀ
Because well quite frankly
it's easier to live a comfortable lie
Sincerely,
Sorry I canāt pretend anymore